The P1mp and the FicH00r
by maxandmo
Summary: Two chapters of ridiculousness written for Agrutle's birthday.  What happens when the Agrutles move in next door to Bella and Jasper?  Sparks fly when they all find themselves attracted to the other's special someone.  Happy Birthday!
1. Chapter 1

**Stephenie Meyer owns all thing Twilight.**

**Agrutle: You are amazing and deserve the best birthday ever! Love from your h00rs:)**

The day started out like any other...rain. It was always fucking raining around here. I should have been used to it by now, seeing as I've lived in Forks, Washington my entire life. The only bright spot in an otherwise soggy day, was that we were getting new neighbors. The last ones were total ass-wipes who thought they were better than everyone else. Later James and Victoria, you snotty sons of bitches.

I was fidgety and bored, mainly because I had the day off from my job at the Jiffy Lube. I was a highly popular oil changer, especially because it was a rarity that girls actually knew how to lube up a chassis. That's where I met my man. Jasper changed oil with the grace of a Swan. He won many a contest in the lube races, and I knew that he was meant for me. It didn't take long for him be convinced of that either.

The manager tried to give us a couple of days off separately in order to keep business pumping. It was a dirty job, but someone had to keep the towns' automobiles in tune.

Jasper and I were proud to be the most popular lubers from Forks to Seattle.

I was brought from my thoughts of oil by the rumbling of a cascade of cars that were making their way toward the house next door. There was a shitload of cars following each other down our long and winding street. Had I not know any different, I would have sworn it was a funeral procession.

As they crept past our house, I was amazed by the tricked out vehicles that I saw. The rims were absolutely amazing, right down to the spinners on the Cadillac that was in the front of the line. The windows were tinted, thus adding to the allure. I couldn't help but stare, and dream about the day that I would be underneath the bad boys.

The Cadillac pulled in next door, and a man who was average in height, with a pretty nice build, got out. I noticed right away that he was good looking, but what took me by surprise was his outfit.

He was dressed in purple from head to toe, though he somehow managed not to look like Barney. I didn't care if I was being rude; you didn't wear shit like that and not expect people to stare. The shirt was silk, and looked so smooth, and the pants were denim. He had pointy toed boots on with a black beret type hat that was turned backwards and trimmed in purple. He looked sharp.

"Sup?" he said, as he nodded in my direction.

I can't explain it, but I was suddenly drawn to the man. I walked over to him as if in a hypnotic trance. "Hi, I'm Bella. I so can't wait to lube up your machine."

"Sweet, I'm Agrutle." He was ogling me, so I jutted out my chest and sucked in a deep breath.

I must have forgotten to begin breathing again, because I suddenly felt a little faint. I swayed forward and right into the Agrutle's arms.

"Yo, bitch. Get off of my man," said a screeching voice from behind me.

I turned to see a woman hanging out of a car window, shaking her fist and yelling at me.

"Babe, chill. I may be a pimp, but you know I love you. This is our neighbor, Bella. She's as soft as a marshmella."

I snickered and reluctantly pulled myself away from him. "Sorry, dude. I didn't meant to get you in trouble."

"Oh, it's alright. She just gets a little possessive around the new girls."

What the hell did he mean, new girls?

His girl got out of the car and strutted over to me. "I'm Agrutle."

They had the same name? It must be their last name or something. Maybe they were famous like Madonna, and Prince...or more likely wannabes like Fantasia and Snooki. Either way they were very entertaining so far.

"I'm Bella. I live next door, and I want to lube your husband's chassis." I was trying so hard to be less obsessed with cars, but I couldn't seem to help it, especially when I was nervous.

The woman in front of me had the most incredible, long brown hair, and the prettiest eyes I had ever seen. Looking at her put me in a trance. I quickly snapped out of it because she was laughing at me hysterically.

"He's not my husband, he's my pimp."

"What?"

"HE'S NOT MY HUSBAND! HE'S MY PIMP!" she shouted at me. "The bitch is deaf," she yelled back to her cronies.

"I'm not deaf, I just didn't hear you." Great, that sounded way fucked up. "Like, you're a prostitute?"

"Fuck no. We all work at the Walmart. He is our manger, so we call him the pimp because he bosses us around and runs shit. Plus, he's totes scary when shit in the store gets fucked up."

"So, are you like together?"

"Yes, duh. We all came here together." She looked at me like I was a dumb ass.

"No, like you and Agrutle."

"Oh, well yeah. We've been together a long time; ever since we worked at the Kmart before it went out of business. We have an Even-Steven type of relationship. If I find a disco stick to ride, then so does he. Well, not the stick part, but you understand, right?"

A closer glance at girl Agrutle revealed a tattoo on her wrist. It said simply, 'Agrutle', in perfectly scribed cursive writing.

"Sounds cool to me." I looked over to Mr. Agrutle who was fondling himself through his purple pants and winking at me. The man was wicked hot.

"So, who is actually moving into the house?" I asked curiously.

"Me, my pimp, and my sister from another mister, Chrissy."

I let out a snort, and then tried to pass it off as a cough. These fuckers were hilarious.

"Cool. Alright, I better go. My man and I are going to eat at Quaker Steak and Lube."

"Girl, you got a man? Sweet. What's his story?"

"Jazz works at the Jiffy Lube down on Main Street. He's cool and fuck-hot," I said, as I snuck a glance at the male Agrutle's package."

"Agrutles out," they said in unison. They sounded better than that dweeb, Ryan Seacrest.

My feet were cemented in place, as I stood and watched the Agrutles make their way into their new house.

XxxxX

Later that evening, after a few beers at the restaurant, Jasper nuzzled up to me on the couch. He was telling me about the new oil the shop was starting to use. Insanely enough, I couldn't drag my thoughts from a certain mister next door.

"Babe, what's going on? You're all distracted," Jasper asked.

"Huh, oh nothing. I was just wondering how the new neighbors were settling in."

"Grab the rest of the beer, and let's go see for ourselves."

We walked up to the front door and Jazz was just ready to ring the bell when we saw movement in front of us. It was like a car wreck, we refused to look away even if it meant seeing something horrific.

Boy Agrutle was bending girl Agrutle over the couch and having his way with her. I couldn't help but wonder why they hadn't shut the door. Before we knew it, Jazz and I had our noses pressed against the screen. Boy grabbed something off of the arm of the couch and snapped it. He pulled his arm away, inched off of her a bit, and snapped her ass with what looked to be a flogger. I let out an audible gasp, which did not go unnoticed.

Jazz gave me a death glare, and I felt myself blushing profusely. "Sorry, dude. I so wasn't expecting that."

"Hey neighbors! What's shaking? Just give me a minute to finish up, and I'll be right there." Boy Agrutle expected us to just sit back and enjoy the show.

I looked at Jazz, who was staring at girl Agrutle with his mouth hanging open. I noticed he had a boner, and wasn't sure how to process that information.

About 46 seconds later, they both came to the door wearing matching purple cheetah patterned robes.

"Sup," said the boy, to Jazz. They were eying each other, as if assessing the other one's worth.

They invited us in, and I was shocked at the number of technical devices laying around, plus one flogger. There were a couple of iPads, an iTouch, an iPhone, and a laptop. The Agrutles loved Apple. I was totally techtarded, so it really did nothing but peak my curiosity.

"Wow, dude." Jasper was staring at all the cyber tools in awe. He walked over to one of the iPads and stroked it gently. "I've wanted one of these for ever, but they're on backorder."

The two boys bonded over technology, while girl Agrutle and I stood next to each other awkwardly. "So...I love Walmart," I said, in a lame attempt at conversation.

"Well...I get my oil changed on a regular basis."

Before things could become more awkward, a bazillion alert noises started to sound. I dove under the coffee table for protection from whatever storm was headed our way. The Agrutles nearly knocked each other over scrambling to get to one of the devices.

Their fingers were flying over the keys, and I thought for sure they were some sort of secret agents. Either that, or something huge was going down at the Walmart.

"Squeeeeee!" girl Agrutle exclaimed.

"That's my h00r," boy Agrutle said, while smacking her on the ass.

"What are y'all into that's got you so excited? Damn, girl, you are hot," Jazz said to girl Agrutle.

"Thanks," she answered, as she suggestively put a finger in her mouth and sucked on it.

I couldn't believe he was so forthright with her, but as I took a closer look I realized she was indeed hot...and sweaty. It must have been the combo of being bent over the couch and whatever they were so into.

"Have you guys ever heard of fanfiction?" the girl asked tentatively.

"Hells yeah!" Jasper shouted. "I am so addicted to the Fast and the Furious. I fucking love cars. Bella even writes a few. She's like famous in the fandom!"

The Agrutles looked at each other and then the boy gave the girl a subtle nod. "The game we were playing is called TwiFicTrivia. It's a Twilight fanfiction trivia game. The girl that runs it is a sneaky one, and has a lot of Bella love. The game is on Tuesdays, but she throws in some surprise random twi fic trivia questions. We've set the computers up to alert us when there is a tweet from her on the Twitter. I'm really trying to win this month since my birthday is coming up. The winner is crowned the biggest FicH00r of the month!"

Girl Agrutle looked at Jasper in awe. "Well, that is hot," he said to her.

They were staring at each other like they were the only two in the room. I could feel the magnetic force that was trying to pull them together. The strange thing was, it didn't phase me in the least. It was as if the Agrutles were destined to move next door.

Boy Agrutle and I were looking back and forth between our other halves; he realized it too. I was staring at him to gauge his reaction, at the same time he looked at me to gauge mine.

He looked amused and excited. "How about a game of screw your neighbor?" he suggested.

If I wasn't so nervously turned on, I would have scoffed at his question. I obviously knew he wasn't referring to cards.

"Jazz? Jazz! JASPER!" He finally snapped out of his Agrutle enhanced daze.

"Yeah? What, Bella?"

"It took three times before you realized I was talking to you. Didn't you hear him?"

He was looking at me with a blank expression. I pulled him aside and then wasn't sure what to say. I finally just spurted out the truth. It was as clear as day that the four of us had some insane draw and attraction to one another.

He looked at me incredulously, "Bella, you'd be cool with that? I mean nothing would change between us, we'd just get to satisfy our sexual appetites with them."

"Um hmm. I'm totes cool with it." I looked over to the Agrutles who looked anxious to hear our decision.

Jasper walked over and grabbed girl Agrutle's large and fabulous breasts. He pinched her nipples through her robe and she let out a moan. He took her by the hand and led her to the bathroom. Jasper was a clean freak, and I was sure he needed her to clean up, not only from the game, but to wash of the other boy's gunk.

Boy Agrulte came up behind me and rubbed his hardness against the swell of my ass. He was so sexy, it made my privates tingle in anticipation of what I wanted him to do to them. I have no idea what prompted my decision, but I suddenly felt a very strong urge to watch my man get it on with the fuck-hot girl Agrutle.

I grabbed the pimp's hand, and pulled him into the hallway across from the bathroom. Sure enough, I could hear the water of the shower. They left the bathroom door open, and I could see their naked bodies through the sheer shower curtain.

Jasper was running a sudsy loofah over the FicH00r's voluptuous body. She had her head back and was softly moaning. I was slightly aware of Agrutle's hand stoking my pussy through my clothes. It was like I was at a peep show, but better. I still found Jasper incredible, and loved seeing him in action. Not to mention, I was insanely attracted to the man behind me.

Jasper filled up a cup that was in the shower and poured it over her head Flashdance style. It was hot, and I felt wetness pool between my thighs. He reached forward and pinched her nipple, and then she reached behind and grabbed his swollen cock. He snaked his other hand in front of her, gently teasing her clit. I let out a moan, which increased the pimp's movements on my own clit.

I knew from experience that Jazz wanted to bend her over, but he refrained. It had everything to do with the fact he had seen some other man fucking her like that. He turned her toward him, and she immediately dropped to her knees in front of him. She grabbed his dick with her perfectly manicured hand, and began to stroke it at a perfect pace.

She cupped his balls with her other hand and opened her mouth for him to enter. The FicH00r had talent in the blow job department. She took his swollen cock nearly all the way inside her mouth and slowly licked up and down his shaft.

Her head was moving up and down and she added her other hand, stroking in sync with her mouth. He fisted his hand in her hair in pure ecstasy. After a few more strokes, sucks and ball squeezes, she took him out of her mouth. Jazz pulled her up to him and they started making out with an intensity that I had never seen. It was as if they couldn't get enough of each other.

Jasper forced her back against the shower wall, and lifted one of her legs so that it rested on the ledge. She was spread open, giving us a phenomenal view of her perfectly manicured pussy. I had never been one to give a shit about another girl's lady bits, yet I couldn't tear my eyes away from such perfection.

I'm not sure when it happened, but the pimp was one smooth motherfucker. I was naked and he was pumping in and out of me with his fingers. I was so turned on it wasn't funny. I felt something warm and smooth resting against my backside. I glanced behind me and stood gaping at a beautiful, rock hard, large cock.

I averted my eyes back to the shower like the perv I was, just in time to see Jasper press himself at her opening. She looked so tight, I wondered if he would even fit inside of her. He slowly rolled his hips, pushing into her slowly. She let out a moan and grabbed a fistful of his amazing hair. He pushed himself again, and I could tell that he had filled her completely.

They were still for many seconds, before he pulled out a little and then thrusted into her feverishly. I felt pressure building up inside of me, as I realized for the firs time that the pimp was pumping me from behind like a stallion. It was as if there was a race to see which couple could dually cum together. I wanted to win, so I moved my hand to the underside of boy Agrutle's nuts. I massaged them as the pimp continued to pump.

I could tell Jasper was getting close by the way his ass cheeks were clenched. If the way girl Agrutle was moaning was any indication of her orgasm, then she was right there too.

The pimp grabbed my nipple and pinched it so hard I wanted to junk punch him. He then lightly grazed it, and I had never felt something so amazing. He yelled out, "I am the Master of Your Universe!" Whatever the fuck that meant. I gave his balls a squeeze and felt them tighten in my hand. He took his hand from my tit and moved it to my clit. I was done for. I let myself go and came with a fury all over the pimp's giant cock. He then pulled out and squirted his hot man juices all over my tramp stamp.

I opened my eyes in time to see Jasper jacking off and spewing all over the FicH00r's stomach. She was clawing at his back, trying to catch her breath. We all were still for a little while, trying to process what had just happened.

I grabbed my clothes and headed to the secret pooper in their room. I knew their house like the back of my hand. Instead of feeling disgusted with myself, I felt sated. I was still totally into Jasper, yet the pimp was intriguing. I only hoped this wouldn't be a one time thing.

I cleaned myself up and headed into the living room. I was the first one there, so I got comfortable on the couch. "Hey, babe," Jasper said, as he slided up next to me.

"Hey," I answered, as I pulled him to me for a kiss.

The Agrutles walked in together and cuddled up on the chase lounge. For a split second, I was nervous things were going to be awkward.

All it took was one question to set everything at ease. "Dude, you want to play Modern Warfare on PS3?"

The guys battled for dominance, and us girls each took an iPad; me to write and her to read. What an awesome way to spend the evening.


	2. Happy 30th Agrutle

**Stephenie Meyer owns all thing Twilight!**

**Happy 30th Birthday to Agrutle! We love you, and hope you have the greatest day ever. Surprise!**

A year had passed since the Agrutles' first swinging episode and things had been a bit tense. The p1mp transferred jobs, moving his hot mama to the exact same city that the mothman was rumored to still occupy. They had to leave behind their best friends, who were also their sex partners on the weekends. She was sad, but had to do what was best for her p1mp.

In return he bought her like fourteen different puppies to keep her company. She was slowly adjusting to life with the mothman, but no matter how long she went without talking to her friends, she just couldn't seem to get hot Jasper out of her head.

When she thought about the things that man could do with his tongue, it caused their water bill to spike with all of the cold showers she had been taking. The p1mp didn't seem to notice which made Lady Agrutle feel neglected.

The last straw was when the p1mp's mom showed up with an entire UHaul truck worth of blue light specials from the KMart. Lady Agrutle decided that she needed to get the hell out of dodge for a while. West Virginia was creeping her the fuck out.

She waited until the p1mp left for work, and then she got into the car and headed north. She put the pedal to the metal and cruised as fast as she could go in their new Prius. The p1mp got the car as part of his new job bonus. It was a small car, but the fucker was mighty.

Lady Agrulte let her lady bits lead her to the final destination. She felt a little guilty for stepping out without her p1mp, but felt it was at least a little bit okay since she was well aware of Jasper's wanted needs.

"Oh for the love of an Angel," she exclaimed. "Is it cheating if the love that is my love already knows I enjoy when Jasper butters my muffin?"

She continued talking to herself the entire car ride. She zipped into their old driveway as if she still owned the place. Upon attempting to get out of the Prius, her legs cramped up, and she stumbled onto the concrete.

"Shit. Shit. Shit." She began crawling across the lawn because her legs still wouldn't carry her. "That fucking small ass car gave me leg cramps." She picked up a rock and threw it at the door, making a perfect round ding in the neon green paint. "Take that you rat bastard small ass car."

She immediately felt better. Finally making it to Jasper's door, she knocked while kneeling. The look on Jasper's face was pure confusion when he answered.

He was confused because he swore he heard a knock, yet he didn't see anyone. He pulled the door open and took a step forward to look ousted. This movement caused his crotch to ram right into Agrutle's face.

He looked down and smiled like an undercover mofo. "Well, hello there darlin'. I've missed that pretty little mouth of yours, not to mention those big titties." She tried to respond, but he beat her to it. "I see you've missed me too."

Jasper unzipped his pants and stuck his long, hard cock into Agrutle's drooling mouth right there outside the front door. She nipped, sucked, and licked the life right out of him. With a wipe of her mouth, she gazed up at him adoringly.

"I just wanted to say hello. Tell Bella I said hey."

"Wait, you're leaving?"

"Yeah, it's Tuesday, and I have to get back in time to do the C2's for TwiFicTrivia. You remember that I'm a StaffH00r, right?"

"Of course I do. Hey, what do you say about us coming to see y'all on Saturday? It is my favorite h00r's birthday," he said with a wink.

"Absolutely," she responded with a cum eating grin.

Lady Agrutle shuffled her way back to the car, and drove back home to the mothman.


End file.
